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For
many young people in the age range of 23-30, finding that perfect mate
is a number one priority. As discussed in one of my other articles, “The
Utopian Relationship Checklist,” many of us have finished college
and found ourselves in good careers. We seem to have everything in place
with the exception of that special person in our lives to share the rewards
of our hard work.
Therefore,
we begin to concentrate on finding a mate; that person who will have your
back and show you unconditional love. As we search, we look for a person
that is somewhat our equivalent; educated, goals, career, etc. However,
I have noticed that in our “Generation X” society, we have
much more serious traits to look at in a mate other than if they have
good credit or huge potential gross earnings. Our generation is really
the first to experience issues such as child molestation, divorce and
single parent homes in such a massive amount.
Therefore, we have to examine the potential mates that we meet and dig a little deeper into their personal lives before making a decision on whether or not he or she is “the one.” Now, let the record state that I am not saying there is anything wrong with people from any of these backgrounds. However, what I am saying is that there are many conscious and unconscious traits that some people have from being from one of these situations.
Let’s look at some of the potential unconscious or conscious personality traits that may be presence in some.
A female or male has been sexually molested. This is a very serious situation, which I believe should not go untouched by a psychiatrist. A study done by Derek Jehu in 1992 showed the occurrence of personality problems in adulthood as a result of childhood sexual abuse using something called “The Schema Theory.” Jehu determined that the sexual abuse leads to the establishment and maintenance of lasting maladaptive schemata. Does that sound like a lot of medical mumbo jumbo? Well to break it down into Laymen terms, adults abused as children are accustomed to having automatic thoughts, emotional arousal, assimilation, accommodation, avoidance and compensation. This ultimately leads to difficulties with safety, trust, self-esteem, control and connection. As any of us that have been in a relationship know, without trust, a relationship will go nowhere very fast. And if you are potentially dealing with someone who is emotionally aroused and has avoidance issues, that could post a big problem when being dealt with in a relationship.
Young Adults that experienced Divorce at a young age/Single parents homes.
I have combined these two issues because they share a lot of the same characteristics. Divorce and Single Parent Homes, looks like one in the same, but with the rate of young girls becoming pregnant nowadays, they are skipping the marriage and divorce situation totally, however the ends of both are almost mirrored images.
Let us look at a female whose father left her mother while the child was relatively young. Now let’s say that the father after leaving the household is non-existent. If the mother is harboring hard feelings (she has a right to be mad; the man isn’t taking care of his child) beyond the typical she can tell her daughter unconsciously through fits of rage that men are sorry, they're not about anything and any other derogative thought you can think of. See this causes a trickle down affect. It causes a ‘brainwash’ influence on the young girl as she will grow up with ideas that men can’t be trusted their not about anything etc etc. Thus creating the women that all men despise...”The Man Basher”. People do you know how long and hard it will be to deprogram this women? Too long! And what eventually ends up happening is this woman never finds anyone (due to her thinking) and honestly believes what she says due to the fact that no one wants to be with a person like this.
Now let’s quickly flip this situation, say that the young child that was reared up with ideas of the male species being trifling does find a mate, but her mother has never gotten over her issues. The man coming into this situation is going to go through hell just to please and prove himself to the mother.
Ladies I did not leave you all out. Let us examine a man that was brought up by his single father. The young man’s father could be just like the father in the last scenario, with a slight twist. He leaves his wife, but decides to take care of his child, who happens to be a boy. The young man is raised in a household that sees his now single father date many women having them come and go through the house. Once again the trickle down effect occurs. Unconsciously these actions spark a “playa lifestyle” mentality in the young man watching this. Thus causing him to live the same life as his father did. A life that never showed commitment to one specific woman.
Oh and lord forbid that man gets serious about a young lady such as the one from scenario one. Her mother may drive him away from trying to be a good man, remember he has the player mentality!
Why can’t it be all so simple like with our grandparents? Meet, court, fall in love and be together forever. Can you imagine how the relationship cycle is going to be for our children? Thinking about it makes my brain hurt and my body shiver, that’s another article. Peace.
**ehu, Derek. (1992). Personality problems among adults molested as children. Sexual and Marital Therapy, 7(3), 231-249.
