Question One.

I am a 30 year-old African American woman in a serious relationship triangle. I have been dating an African American man (who is also 30) for about 2 wonderful months now. The problem is that he recently told me that he is planning to marry another woman. I was completely floored! Not only was I unaware that he was already in a relationship, I did not know that she is Caucasian! Now the suspicious pieces of our relationship (i.e. the long “trips” away with his guy friends, the late nights working, the use of his cell phone only due to his “telephone being disconnected”) make sense. However after breaking up with him, I am finding it difficult to heal my broken heart and move on. Do I dare confront him to gain “closure”? What do I do to move on?

Answer:
Congratulations on ending that relationship. However, I am having trouble believing that you were “floored” when you learned that your ex was in another relationship. Your past suspicions tell me that there were issues in this “wonderful” relationship before it ended. I challenge you to learn to listen to a man’s behavior instead of his words in determining whether he is wonderful or not. In terms of healing your broken heart, I challenge you to use this experience as a learning experience. You have learned that most men tell the truth through their actions, period. Once you realize that the words and the actions do not match in a relationship, there is a problem. In terms of closure, are you attempting to find out why he chose a White woman or why your relationship did not work? Nevertheless, closure should be gained from within. You may find that relying on him for closure (like you did for love) might leave you disappointed again. Realize that the problem more than likely resided in him not you. Also realize that the behavior that you experienced is who he is. Therefore, the White fiancee will receive her share of it too when they’re married. Dare I say that you are better off? In having said this, use your healing time to learn from this experience. Believe that a better relationship is on the horizon.

Question Two:

I have a co-worker that is not living up to his/her responsibilities and the boss does not detect it because my co-worker has very "sly" communication skills, how do I inform my boss of my co-worker's lack of performance? I do not want to damage my relationship with my co-worker (who is above me) and still want to maintain the integrity of the group. Keep in mind that there have already been instances where the boss listened to the co-worker regardless of adversary input from other competent co-workers.

Answer:

In the workplace there are many relationship “dynamics” that have to be considered. Without knowing the specifics of your situation, it appears that there may be some form of subconscious favoritism on the part of your boss. Although the first instinct may be to sit the boss down and have a heart – to – heart one on one conversation, this may not be the best route to go. I would recommend pointing out the “sly” communication skills to your superior in a fashion which makes your superior see the shirked responsibilities of your co-worker. For example, “Mr. Boss, I was under the impression that CW was taking care of that, would you like me to take care of it?” This point shows that CW (co-worker) did not live up to his end of the bargain, but you are not being petty by focusing on that, you are focusing on assisting with the problem, thereby being the solution.

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